Sometimes I get angry, and I just say things that I'm thinking about..as a fact. Like it's happening, or people just take it that way. And so I get defensive to that way, and I start to convince myself that that's what I'm actually doing. Or what I should do. So now....I'm trying to see it through, or make it possible. But I'm not sure when..and I'm not sure how to make it right...
NEVERMIND LIFE............I'M DONE DECIDING FOR TODAY.......................................
Sunday, January 23, 2011
There's Just Gotta Be Another Way
Most likely, if it doesn't work out, there's another way. Or a better option. It's just really hard to find....So I'm just trying to do that now. I've looked at all my current options. And now...I just have to figure out how to make it possible. Or I just really need to explore new options, which I slightly have. Except...I need to figure those ones out too. I honestly do not know what to do. I need to think about them but I can't just pick, no matter what....there's always something. And it's making me nervous... I want something to do. I think I know what I should do....possibly.... Well, I've got two ish options on my mind....possibly three. It's just very difficult. Man..I was super confident about this, but it just isn't making itself easy. So I guess it's just bad timing....along with everything else that's been bad timing. I'm bad timing I guess. I need to organize my thoughts, and my things. And get rid of stuff....both ways. Now....and tomorrow I need to go out, and get a job. Except..I need gas in the car :/ Bahhh humm buggg. What to do, what to do..ya know?
I've got nothing right now....just....
flhjnfoqijfilzjlkcmalkjfiownaklkegnsfalnfklatjaeblalhalghkl aetshtsjfiafeheoriowudSHrioaeurbajkfiaejhtiseufpoiafjaeirusifouseiewjtoieuf lafisdifsdhfsdiof sfh hsifhiohfbsdc iohf eh ioehf eihf ljnf;lsiufunsldkzjfjaiedsbfjlkajiorflejwrtyruiofdskacbxnmzsvbangdsaleywurtyeuwiqoxbnzm<atyukjhgfd kdkxfkj jkgrdjkghdjflaesgopsejflJ Sfiojfgefjslnf.sjoaet pejt eufio ei;teslur 2kjsh3wroij3 qirawjdoa jlczklfu9u736835yu23985283 5726581274876265762435809438586346723509823457646948139585686981
That's all.
I've got nothing right now....just....
flhjnfoqijfilzjlkcmalkjfiownaklkegnsfalnfklatjaeblalhalghkl aetshtsjfiafeheoriowudSHrioaeurbajkfiaejhtiseufpoiafjaeirusifouseiewjtoieuf lafisdifsdhfsdiof sfh hsifhiohfbsdc iohf eh ioehf eihf ljnf;lsiufunsldkzjfjaiedsbfjlkajiorflejwrtyruiofdskacbxnmzsvbangdsaleywurtyeuwiqoxbnzm<atyukjhgfd kdkxfkj jkgrdjkghdjflaesgopsejflJ Sfiojfgefjslnf.sjoaet pejt eufio ei;teslur 2kjsh3wroij3 qirawjdoa jlczklfu9u736835yu23985283 5726581274876265762435809438586346723509823457646948139585686981
That's all.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
At Least We Made It This Far
And it all looks smooth from here. Oh Relient K...how you understand me so well sometimes. Well....today I finally got some sleep, well last night. But then.....I got woke up at about 930? I believe so. And I'm pretty sure I was up earlier too. I think I was on the phone with Aaron earlier..and then tried to go back to sleep. I also remember Aaron was going to call me last night, and then I just laid down..and waited. Then he was texting me and after about five minutes I was out, and he realized that and we didn't talk last night lol. But I'm confused to how this morning worked out haha. Things are funny to remember when you're sleeping.
So I somewhat helped move stuff today. We had to move all of our stuff from our old house...to a garage. It ended up fitting, and I discovered some things I can put to use, ish. My mother had a story for just about everything, and how it was all from when I was little, and how she got it when I was born. It was funny though. She was very concerned to where the blow up pumpkin went as well...not that she asked about it say 10 times or so?....Though after some time had gone by I sorta stopped helping..I still don't feel good so it sucked being outside. Even though it was fairly sunny today. Still chilly...and since we were out for like six hours..it got cold. Then I was just standing around while they tried to reorganize and figure stuff out, and I stood on a dictionary for a good while. Then I put it in the goodwill box. Haha, I just thought of something...Aaron is in love with goodwill. So it was like an Aaron box. Bahaha, except he wouldn't have really liked some of the stuff in it. But who knows...
I found a lot of my flute music..which isn't really that cool. But it gives me something to do I suppose...I could play. Just so my mind has something else to think about. It'll keep me smart or something. Maybe I'll become a musical genius if that's all I do for the next two months. But who knows.
I want to sell Charles. He's the geetar that's been living with me. But I've grown to have some love for him...and he was the first geetar, and the only. So I'm not sure...I'm difficult to give things away. So I'm just going to wait I suppose...think some more.
Trying to figure things out with a vehicle and school and going back early still. I want to run away to Hawaii. But I'm leaning toward concluding I shouldn't, and that in maybe a couple months or so I could try. So I'm hopefully going to do that..
I wish I could stop being sick now. And things could be magnificent. My nose is complicated. And I don't want to keep blowing him, or sneezing...:/ I'd rather sleep. ...I took NASTY robitusin in a baby syringe. It was funny, then I drank some coconut milk. Yep. So I feel kinda weird. And I want to sleep...my head is heavy. It's only like 10:34....I mean 10:24... I might just crash. And hope Aaron still calls. And wakes me up. Cause I super wanna talk to him. He calms me down, even though I'm fairly calm...I just, feel happier I guess.
Karen and I had a funny conversation today about me getting married. And I just laughed...as I was cutting cucumbers for the salad baha...which I couldn't even taste because I'm sick, so dinner sucked! Cause I couldn't even taste my baby spinach leaves! But the water was amazing :) hahaha
And Isabelle just walked in and said her mom said I should take more robitusin.......but I said no. I was too scared....lol I already feel like pooooop. I can probably sleep.
Oh, Isabelle came in and said I have to... Well off I go.. :/
So I somewhat helped move stuff today. We had to move all of our stuff from our old house...to a garage. It ended up fitting, and I discovered some things I can put to use, ish. My mother had a story for just about everything, and how it was all from when I was little, and how she got it when I was born. It was funny though. She was very concerned to where the blow up pumpkin went as well...not that she asked about it say 10 times or so?....Though after some time had gone by I sorta stopped helping..I still don't feel good so it sucked being outside. Even though it was fairly sunny today. Still chilly...and since we were out for like six hours..it got cold. Then I was just standing around while they tried to reorganize and figure stuff out, and I stood on a dictionary for a good while. Then I put it in the goodwill box. Haha, I just thought of something...Aaron is in love with goodwill. So it was like an Aaron box. Bahaha, except he wouldn't have really liked some of the stuff in it. But who knows...
I found a lot of my flute music..which isn't really that cool. But it gives me something to do I suppose...I could play. Just so my mind has something else to think about. It'll keep me smart or something. Maybe I'll become a musical genius if that's all I do for the next two months. But who knows.
I want to sell Charles. He's the geetar that's been living with me. But I've grown to have some love for him...and he was the first geetar, and the only. So I'm not sure...I'm difficult to give things away. So I'm just going to wait I suppose...think some more.
Trying to figure things out with a vehicle and school and going back early still. I want to run away to Hawaii. But I'm leaning toward concluding I shouldn't, and that in maybe a couple months or so I could try. So I'm hopefully going to do that..
I wish I could stop being sick now. And things could be magnificent. My nose is complicated. And I don't want to keep blowing him, or sneezing...:/ I'd rather sleep. ...I took NASTY robitusin in a baby syringe. It was funny, then I drank some coconut milk. Yep. So I feel kinda weird. And I want to sleep...my head is heavy. It's only like 10:34....I mean 10:24... I might just crash. And hope Aaron still calls. And wakes me up. Cause I super wanna talk to him. He calms me down, even though I'm fairly calm...I just, feel happier I guess.
Karen and I had a funny conversation today about me getting married. And I just laughed...as I was cutting cucumbers for the salad baha...which I couldn't even taste because I'm sick, so dinner sucked! Cause I couldn't even taste my baby spinach leaves! But the water was amazing :) hahaha
And Isabelle just walked in and said her mom said I should take more robitusin.......but I said no. I was too scared....lol I already feel like pooooop. I can probably sleep.
Oh, Isabelle came in and said I have to... Well off I go.. :/
Friday, January 21, 2011
Lost Cause?
So since I blog for myself...I generally say anything that's on my mind. Because honestly a whole like two people read it..and it's mainly only Aaron..so it's okay cause he knows most of everything I think about these days..
The latest thing that's been on my mind is running away. I'm no sure where to..I've got no money really..and no one to go with..which is okay I suppose because running away, is generally running AWAY from things so not necessary to be with people...but it'd be nice. I was talking to Aaron about going to Hawaii, lol...it's super cheap sorta, for some days...but I'm almost positive he was joking about it and all, I'm super sure that if we planned it I would definitely go. But idk cause we have school this spring...And then Aaron wants to be an efy counselor in the summer, which is pretty cool. I never went to efy...but I bet I would've liked it. Haha..yeah he doesn't want to. He has other things to do.
I suppose it's better to finish school and stuff anyone, then do something crazy..or do something crazy during a different break when it firsts starts and there's time or somethinn.....
So I'm also thinking about...where I could go..if I don't feel like I should be here. Again..ha I never feel like I should be anywhere. Geez..things get confusing. And I seriously cannot stop sneezing:/ it's freaking me out... And mehh I've been sick for a few days..like two and a half days hahaha and I can't sleep when I'm here...it seriously sucks so bad. But I slept magically at Aarons...I'm super not sure what that means, if anything. I think that everything means something. I'm not exactly sure why..but it's just the way I think I guess. It's pretty crazy. But I'm trying to figure it out. Ha... I hope Aaron finds a job. It'd make him less stressed, and his parents too I think. It'd help him out a lot too. For school and all. And just life.
...I've been semi decent with my goals. Aaron's been good at his goal. I need to stick to my limelight more. I need to know someone so I can get a job...I wish I could be somewhere else...that's bad..but i think it's because...I like being home and all and coming back to VISIT, and having somewhere to go, for the most part...but it hasn't been long enough for me. It's not the right time to visit for a long time. I thought it would be, and I mean generally..I'm trying to do what I came here to do, minus working, and I'm thinking about it all, but I can't do it, and what I thought I came here to prevent, is only getting worse, so it may have been a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that before? And so what if I messed up...I can't really make it any better now, just make them different for the future I suppose...and considering the fact that I'm still actually supposed to be here right now...kind of makes this whole visiting thing slightly not all right with me. So I'm coming to another conclusion as to why I do not want to be here right now...so the plans I'm working on, to leave...are not working out just yet. But it'd be real nice if they could..because it'd help me do stuff on my own. Get into my own messes, figure out my own ways to fix things..and help me learn. I don't think it's all bad.
And so what if I need a smidge bit of help, in ways that I don't actually need anything. I just don't really wanna depend on anyone. Which I don't plan on doing. But no one is letting me do anything, even though there's not really anyone there...It's a slight struggle, that when I blog about it..I'm starting to get over. It helps me ponder and come up with new convincing ideas. So I actually need to do something this time. Live as if there's a purpose. Which there is. But I'm not acting like there is. So I need to step it up. Starting now. And I hope I really do.
That's all for now.
The latest thing that's been on my mind is running away. I'm no sure where to..I've got no money really..and no one to go with..which is okay I suppose because running away, is generally running AWAY from things so not necessary to be with people...but it'd be nice. I was talking to Aaron about going to Hawaii, lol...it's super cheap sorta, for some days...but I'm almost positive he was joking about it and all, I'm super sure that if we planned it I would definitely go. But idk cause we have school this spring...And then Aaron wants to be an efy counselor in the summer, which is pretty cool. I never went to efy...but I bet I would've liked it. Haha..yeah he doesn't want to. He has other things to do.
I suppose it's better to finish school and stuff anyone, then do something crazy..or do something crazy during a different break when it firsts starts and there's time or somethinn.....
So I'm also thinking about...where I could go..if I don't feel like I should be here. Again..ha I never feel like I should be anywhere. Geez..things get confusing. And I seriously cannot stop sneezing:/ it's freaking me out... And mehh I've been sick for a few days..like two and a half days hahaha and I can't sleep when I'm here...it seriously sucks so bad. But I slept magically at Aarons...I'm super not sure what that means, if anything. I think that everything means something. I'm not exactly sure why..but it's just the way I think I guess. It's pretty crazy. But I'm trying to figure it out. Ha... I hope Aaron finds a job. It'd make him less stressed, and his parents too I think. It'd help him out a lot too. For school and all. And just life.
...I've been semi decent with my goals. Aaron's been good at his goal. I need to stick to my limelight more. I need to know someone so I can get a job...I wish I could be somewhere else...that's bad..but i think it's because...I like being home and all and coming back to VISIT, and having somewhere to go, for the most part...but it hasn't been long enough for me. It's not the right time to visit for a long time. I thought it would be, and I mean generally..I'm trying to do what I came here to do, minus working, and I'm thinking about it all, but I can't do it, and what I thought I came here to prevent, is only getting worse, so it may have been a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that before? And so what if I messed up...I can't really make it any better now, just make them different for the future I suppose...and considering the fact that I'm still actually supposed to be here right now...kind of makes this whole visiting thing slightly not all right with me. So I'm coming to another conclusion as to why I do not want to be here right now...so the plans I'm working on, to leave...are not working out just yet. But it'd be real nice if they could..because it'd help me do stuff on my own. Get into my own messes, figure out my own ways to fix things..and help me learn. I don't think it's all bad.
And so what if I need a smidge bit of help, in ways that I don't actually need anything. I just don't really wanna depend on anyone. Which I don't plan on doing. But no one is letting me do anything, even though there's not really anyone there...It's a slight struggle, that when I blog about it..I'm starting to get over. It helps me ponder and come up with new convincing ideas. So I actually need to do something this time. Live as if there's a purpose. Which there is. But I'm not acting like there is. So I need to step it up. Starting now. And I hope I really do.
That's all for now.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Lack of Air...
So I got sick...about yesterday. And since there's cats in the house, just because I can't breathe enough as it is, the cats are EVERYWHERE!!! And the cat hair is getting near me and it's really freaking me out. My nose is all stuffy, my throat hurts, I took like 4 ib profun because my head hurts. I might have a fever, and I just overall feel like death. So it's about 8am ish and I'm definitely awake. And have been since about 730..or since last night. Because I honestly did not sleep last night. I felt sick all night and couldn't sleep..so I just laid there...and tossed and turned all night. That's what it's called right? I also kept coughing, it was gnarley.. So today I get to see Aawon, which I think will make things better, as much as possible. I'm not sure what kind of medicine I should take..if any? Maybe I'll look for my airborne..even though it's probably too late for that lol, and the bubbles will just make me want to throw up. Ohh my nose is drooling out the yin yang... :/ I've also been like stalking cars online....I've found a couple, and I need to do something about it. I've tried contacting people so I'm just waiting now....ugh cats. So I just called my dad but he's going to get a massage! I want one...Hmm...I'm also listening to deathbed..hoping it will help. Okay so I'm going to go brush my teeth and try to wake up more than I already am! And...go tan or something and meet Aaron :)
That's all for now. I don't think I've ever blogged in the am. Huh..
That's all for now. I don't think I've ever blogged in the am. Huh..
This is Aaron
Hello internet world. This is my very first blog!! I feel very weird knowing that others will be reading this. Natalya is here in PT this weekend. She is sitting right here next to me playing the guitar while we wait for our banana bread to finish! Yummy. We put chocolate and butterscotch chips and walnuts in it!!
-Aaron never posted this....so I am now bahaha
-Aaron never posted this....so I am now bahaha
Monday, January 10, 2011
say anything
I got an email from Chase today! Except...it just told me he was going to write me a letter, because the time ran out and the email got erased so he just wrote a short one after that...but I was glad to hear from him! I can't wait til he comes back and I don't have to wait for mondays to hear from him, and we can have actual conversations. He said I could confess my love to him if I wanted to, but he couldn't tell me what to say or what not to say. So I'm debating what to say..or what not to say..
I'm supposed to skype with Aaron, ha of course right? Because he has a date with his boyfriend at midnight. Scandalous...;) So we were going to chat early. But then he was doing some stuff with his fam bam..and now I'm not really sure what is going on. So maybe not tonight!
So today......was just chaotic. I'm not even going to talk about it. But tomorrow hopefully will be better and I can go get some stuff done. And GYM GO! I super need to. It makes me happier, because I can't tan..so I gym go. But...I need to braid my hair, cause I just got out of the shower a bit ago. And I keep brushing my hair..I guess I'm dreadin the dreads...
Maybe I'll try it out another time.
So here's a poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm becoming convinced
I live in a zoo
True story.....THE END.
I'm supposed to skype with Aaron, ha of course right? Because he has a date with his boyfriend at midnight. Scandalous...;) So we were going to chat early. But then he was doing some stuff with his fam bam..and now I'm not really sure what is going on. So maybe not tonight!
So today......was just chaotic. I'm not even going to talk about it. But tomorrow hopefully will be better and I can go get some stuff done. And GYM GO! I super need to. It makes me happier, because I can't tan..so I gym go. But...I need to braid my hair, cause I just got out of the shower a bit ago. And I keep brushing my hair..I guess I'm dreadin the dreads...
Maybe I'll try it out another time.
So here's a poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm becoming convinced
I live in a zoo
True story.....THE END.
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