Mad World

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you. I find it hard to take. When people run in circles, it's a very, very. Mad world." -Gary Jules

That's honestly all I have to say right now.

Mehh..

So today wasn't too bad. I got up an accomplished some things. Then soon discovered my sometimes popping that happens to my jaw, won't stop! And I can't open my mouth without it popping, and it's always super hard, and it hurts really not good right now...

I then went to Meg's with Isabelle lol and we went to Chambers! Yayyy I've missed it soo much! SO pretty :) And we walked! With Jimmy too! And Isabella rode her bike. And we all took turns pushing the bike when the hills were too big and Isabelle would walk. Then I tried riding the bike. THE LITTLE KID BIKE. It was super funny, hurt my legs hahaha, but magical.

(Hello blogging world. -Aaron)

Aaron's on skype right now, and wanted me to mention his hello...

I can't stop coughing today :(
And...so later, I went to institute with Kjersten! And Liz! Which wasn't too bad! We ate cookies. Then, I went over to Kj's and we were gunna watch Across The Universe but I couldn't find it...so we watched an OLD episode of Grey's, because ABC HATES ME! And some other funny stuff, and psycho American Idol...Oh some people....you just should know that you have OTHER talents...that ARE NOT singing. But anywhoo....I'm home now, and I took my sleep drugs...so I'm off to chat with my guy. Then it's sleep sleep time. Mmmm :)

Temple tomorrow. Yayyy.

That's all.

Nothing Today..

So today. I slept. And ate. And watched a movie at KJs. Oh and went to the gym!!!!! And then ate a crap ton. Honestly, nothing else. I feel sick. I took pills. To sleep. And feel better. So I'm gunna skype with Aaron.
That's all.

All I have to say is June 7th.

So I almost forgot Aaron's birthday. I thought it was June 7th. But then I was hesitant. So he got grumpy ish. Bahahaha, awhh I feel bad. But I knew it! So.....it's not a big deal. So anyway...

Today was interesting. It started off super weird....and just crazy. But after that was over...I went to the gym with Kitty. And..I ate dinner with Kitty! We also went to the commisary to stock up on protein bars!!! Mmmm, yummy lol. And I found a protein shake without milk! But I didn't get it..baha. And..then when we went home for dinner, we made penne and ate it out of the pot, and drank out of animal cups. And kept eating after like two hours, haha and watched crazy shows on t.v.

Then we saw Brian and Kitty took me home. It was granddddd. Now it's time to skype with Aaron. I haven't ponder much else today. Which is goooood. Oh no, I'm getting hungry. I must not eat!

That's all.

Yes, Sir.

AAWON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D

That's ALL.

Sweet Home Alabama?

Sometimes I get angry, and I just say things that I'm thinking about..as a fact. Like it's happening, or people just take it that way. And so I get defensive to that way, and I start to convince myself that that's what I'm actually doing. Or what I should do. So now....I'm trying to see it through, or make it possible. But I'm not sure when..and I'm not sure how to make it right...




NEVERMIND LIFE............I'M DONE DECIDING FOR TODAY.......................................

There's Just Gotta Be Another Way

Most likely, if it doesn't work out, there's another way. Or a better option. It's just really hard to find....So I'm just trying to do that now. I've looked at all my current options. And now...I just have to figure out how to make it possible. Or I just really need to explore new options, which I slightly have. Except...I need to figure those ones out too. I honestly do not know what to do. I need to think about them but I can't just pick, no matter what....there's always something. And it's making me nervous... I want something to do. I think I know what I should do....possibly.... Well, I've got two ish options on my mind....possibly three. It's just very difficult. Man..I was super confident about this, but it just isn't making itself easy. So I guess it's just bad timing....along with everything else that's been bad timing. I'm bad timing I guess. I need to organize my thoughts, and my things. And get rid of stuff....both ways. Now....and tomorrow I need to go out, and get a job. Except..I need gas in the car :/ Bahhh humm buggg. What to do, what to do..ya know?

I've got nothing right now....just....
flhjnfoqijfilzjlkcmalkjfiownaklkegnsfalnfklatjaeblalhalghkl aetshtsjfiafeheoriowudSHrioaeurbajkfiaejhtiseufpoiafjaeirusifouseiewjtoieuf lafisdifsdhfsdiof sfh hsifhiohfbsdc iohf eh ioehf eihf ljnf;lsiufunsldkzjfjaiedsbfjlkajiorflejwrtyruiofdskacbxnmzsvbangdsaleywurtyeuwiqoxbnzm<atyukjhgfd kdkxfkj jkgrdjkghdjflaesgopsejflJ Sfiojfgefjslnf.sjoaet pejt eufio ei;teslur 2kjsh3wroij3 qirawjdoa jlczklfu9u736835yu23985283 5726581274876265762435809438586346723509823457646948139585686981

That's all.

At Least We Made It This Far

And it all looks smooth from here. Oh Relient K...how you understand me so well sometimes. Well....today I finally got some sleep, well last night. But then.....I got woke up at about 930? I believe so. And I'm pretty sure I was up earlier too. I think I was on the phone with Aaron earlier..and then tried to go back to sleep. I also remember Aaron was going to call me last night, and then I just laid down..and waited. Then he was texting me and after about five minutes I was out, and he realized that and we didn't talk last night lol. But I'm confused to how this morning worked out haha. Things are funny to remember when you're sleeping.

So I somewhat helped move stuff today. We had to move all of our stuff from our old house...to a garage. It ended up fitting, and I discovered some things I can put to use, ish. My mother had a story for just about everything, and  how it was all from when I was little, and how she got it when I was born. It was funny though. She was very concerned to where the blow up pumpkin went as well...not that she asked about it say 10 times or so?....Though after some time had gone by I sorta stopped helping..I still don't feel good so it sucked being outside. Even though it was fairly sunny today. Still chilly...and since we were out for like six hours..it got cold. Then I was just standing around while they tried to reorganize and figure stuff out, and I stood on a dictionary for a good while. Then I put it in the goodwill box. Haha, I just thought of something...Aaron is in love with goodwill. So it was like an Aaron box. Bahaha, except he wouldn't have really liked some of the stuff in it. But who knows...

I found a lot of my flute music..which isn't really that cool. But it gives me something to do I suppose...I could play. Just so my mind has something else to think about. It'll keep me smart or something. Maybe I'll become a musical genius if that's all I do for the next two months. But who knows.

I want to sell Charles. He's the geetar that's been living with me. But I've grown to have some love for him...and he was the first geetar, and the only. So I'm not sure...I'm difficult to give things away. So I'm just going to wait I suppose...think some more.

Trying to figure things out with a vehicle and school and going back early still. I want to run away to Hawaii. But I'm leaning toward concluding I shouldn't, and that in maybe a couple months or so I could try. So I'm hopefully going to do that..

I wish I could stop being sick now. And things could be magnificent. My nose is complicated. And I don't want to keep blowing him, or sneezing...:/ I'd rather sleep. ...I took NASTY robitusin in a baby syringe. It was funny, then I drank some coconut milk. Yep. So I feel kinda weird. And I want to sleep...my head is heavy. It's only like 10:34....I mean 10:24... I might just crash. And hope Aaron still calls. And wakes me up. Cause I super wanna talk to him. He calms me down, even though I'm fairly calm...I just, feel happier I guess.
Karen and I had a funny conversation today about me getting married. And I just laughed...as I was cutting cucumbers for the salad baha...which I couldn't even taste because I'm sick, so dinner sucked! Cause I couldn't even taste my baby spinach leaves! But the water was amazing :) hahaha

And Isabelle just walked in and said her mom said I should take more robitusin.......but I said no. I was too scared....lol I already feel like pooooop. I can probably sleep.
Oh, Isabelle came in and said I have to... Well off I go.. :/

Lost Cause?

So since I blog for myself...I generally say anything that's on my mind. Because honestly a whole like two people read it..and it's mainly only Aaron..so it's okay cause he knows most of everything I think about these days..
The latest thing that's been on my mind is running away. I'm no sure where to..I've got no money really..and no one to go with..which is okay I suppose because running away, is generally running AWAY from things so not necessary to be with people...but it'd be nice. I was talking to Aaron about going to Hawaii, lol...it's super cheap sorta, for some days...but I'm almost positive he was joking about it and all, I'm super sure that if we planned it I would definitely go. But idk cause we have school this spring...And then Aaron wants to be an efy counselor in the summer, which is pretty cool. I  never went to efy...but I bet I would've liked it. Haha..yeah he doesn't want to. He has other things to do.
I suppose it's better to finish school and stuff anyone, then do something crazy..or do something crazy during a different break when it firsts starts and there's time or somethinn.....
So I'm also thinking about...where I could go..if I don't feel like I should be here. Again..ha I never feel like I should be anywhere. Geez..things get confusing. And I seriously cannot stop sneezing:/  it's freaking me out... And mehh I've been sick for a few days..like two and a half days hahaha and I can't sleep when I'm here...it seriously sucks so bad. But I slept magically at Aarons...I'm super not sure what that means, if anything. I think that everything means something. I'm not exactly sure why..but it's just the way I think I guess. It's pretty crazy. But I'm trying to figure it out. Ha... I hope Aaron finds a job. It'd make him less stressed, and his parents too I think. It'd help him out a lot too. For school and all. And just life.
...I've been semi decent with my goals. Aaron's been good at his goal. I need to stick to my limelight more. I need to know someone so I can get a job...I wish I could be somewhere else...that's bad..but i think it's because...I like being home and all and coming back to VISIT, and having somewhere to go, for the most part...but it hasn't been long enough for me. It's not the right time to visit for a long time. I thought it would be, and I mean generally..I'm trying to do what I came here to do, minus working, and I'm thinking about it all, but I can't do it, and what I thought I came here to prevent, is only getting worse, so it may have been a bad idea. But how was I supposed to know that before? And so what if I messed up...I can't really make it any better now, just make them different for the future I suppose...and considering the fact that I'm still actually supposed to be here right now...kind of makes this whole visiting thing slightly not all right with me. So I'm coming to another conclusion as to why I do not want to be here right now...so the plans I'm working on, to leave...are not working out just yet. But it'd be real nice if they could..because it'd help me do stuff on my own. Get into my own messes, figure out my own ways to fix things..and help me learn. I don't think it's all bad.
And so what if I need a smidge bit of help, in ways that I don't actually need anything. I just don't really wanna depend on anyone. Which I don't plan on doing. But no one is letting me do anything, even though there's not really anyone there...It's a slight struggle, that when I blog about it..I'm starting to get over. It helps me ponder and come up with new convincing ideas. So I actually need to do something this time. Live as if there's a purpose. Which there is. But I'm not acting like there is. So I need to step it up. Starting now. And I hope I really do.

That's all for now.

Lack of Air...

So I got sick...about yesterday. And since there's cats in the house, just because I can't breathe enough as it is, the cats are EVERYWHERE!!! And the cat hair is getting near me and it's really freaking me out. My nose is all stuffy, my throat hurts, I took like 4 ib profun because my head hurts. I might have a fever, and I just overall feel like death. So it's about 8am ish and I'm definitely awake. And have been since about 730..or since last night. Because I honestly did not sleep last night. I felt sick all night and couldn't sleep..so I just laid there...and tossed and turned all night. That's what it's called right? I also kept coughing, it was gnarley.. So today I get to see Aawon, which I think will make things better, as much as possible. I'm not sure what kind of medicine I should take..if any? Maybe I'll look for my airborne..even though it's probably too late for that lol, and the bubbles will just make me want to throw up. Ohh my nose is drooling out the yin yang... :/  I've also been like stalking cars online....I've found a couple, and I need to do something about it. I've tried contacting people so I'm just waiting now....ugh cats. So I just called my dad but he's going to get a massage! I want one...Hmm...I'm also listening to deathbed..hoping it will help. Okay so I'm going to go brush my teeth and try to wake up more than I already am! And...go tan or something and meet Aaron :)

That's all for now. I don't think I've ever blogged in the am. Huh..

This is Aaron

Hello internet world. This is my very first blog!! I feel very weird knowing that others will be reading this. Natalya is here in PT this weekend. She is sitting right here next to me playing the guitar while we wait for our banana bread to finish! Yummy. We put chocolate and butterscotch chips and walnuts in it!!

-Aaron never posted this....so I am now bahaha

say anything

I got an email from Chase today! Except...it just told me he was going to write me a letter, because the time ran out and the email got erased so he just wrote a short one after that...but I was glad to hear from him! I can't wait til he comes back and I don't have to wait for mondays to hear from him, and we can have actual conversations. He said I could confess my love to him if I wanted to, but he couldn't tell me what to say or what not to say. So I'm debating what to say..or what not to say..

I'm supposed to skype with Aaron, ha of course right? Because he has a date with his boyfriend at midnight. Scandalous...;) So we were going to chat early. But then he was doing some stuff with his fam bam..and now I'm not really sure what is going on. So maybe not tonight!

So today......was just chaotic. I'm not even going to talk about it. But tomorrow hopefully will be better and I can go get some stuff done. And GYM GO! I super need to. It makes me happier, because I can't tan..so I gym go. But...I need to braid my hair, cause I just got out of the shower a bit ago. And I keep brushing my hair..I guess I'm dreadin the dreads...
Maybe I'll try it out another time.

So here's a poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm becoming convinced
I live in a zoo

True story.....THE END.

lactose..intolerant

It super sucks to be lactose intolerant..I feel like my body is dying. We had super yummy homemade macaroni and cheese tonight:) but..it was made with milk in it..so I'm sorta dying. A lot of milk stuff makes me sick, but straight milk being in anything honestly makes me feel disgusting.
I've decided that I need to experiment..like possibly by taking milk...and drinking it. But I'm not sure how well that would go over...I could see myself throwing up. But I also decided that could be a solution..for if I ever needed to throw up baha, I could just drink milk..but I'd need to test it first to make sure that's the right option. Hmm, I super don't like milk anymore. Which is fine for me..but geez..so difficult. What to do what to do...ya know? Well...I've got some stuff I gotta get done tomorrow.. So I'm gunna get some shut eye early this time..and get up at a decent hour, and do something with my life. So that's all for now.

just the two of us

La la la la la la la. So again, I'm skyping with Aaron, but he went out to talk to his dad and so I'm just doin my own thing. Meanwhile, Anker and Max are ont he couch watching a movie, and one the guys said something and this is the song that got stuck in my head.. So now I'm just typing away, and I bet they can hear it from the computer...haha so it's probably pretty funny, or freakin weird. Who knows.. lol.

So today, I got up and watched inception lol. After being attacked by the missionaries with a dart gun...I was super tired and still in bed. It was only like 11...so not THAT bad. I was up until 4...so I had reason to be tired. And I kept getting woke up anyway, so I didn't think it was that much of a problem haha. So after I ate and watched the movie I went to the gym. And that's basically the majority of my day. Keturah and I drove around for days and then went to the gym. Had a lovely...experience, baha..then went to another gym after our psycho workout. Then saunaed it up..and headed home. She's actually out doing something...I'm just sitting around again..of course. Ha but I showered, and ate dinner...and...had a super hilarious tickle fight with the kids. I liked it. Oh and I also started putting my clothes away. Except I ran out of places to put things. Until my mom gave me one of her plastic drawer things. So now I can work on that tomorrow or something. My stuff is definitely organized different than the usual....but I guess I'm learning to work with what I got. I can make it good I believe.

So..I'm nervous about this conversation Aaron's having with his dad, lol. He's thinking about coming down here tomorrow...which would be sweeeet. But it's super far. So he's trying to figure it out. I'm not sure if his dad is feelin it or not. But I guess I'll see when he gets back...lol. Surprisingly I've been able to write all of this with him still gone. And manage to sit around a bit before as well. And leave the room and ask a question haha.

So my water bottle keeps randomly talking..and it's freaking me out. Also..I can't remember if I took my medicine today...because I don't remember when I drank water..baha. Sucks...except I shouldn't take it twice in one day..but then again, if I missed it..that sucks too! So what to do what to do ya know... I'm not gunna do it..but schucks. I should call in a new prescription anyhow. I might need to get one from idaho...oh brother lol. But..I'm just rambling now. So I'm off. Donezo for nonezo.

:D I'm generally happy for now. Nothin too bad.

produce!

So we went grocery shopping today...but the produce wasn't too great. So we decided we needed to get it from costco later. So...we don't have any fwuit of vegetables yet :(
But that's cool I suppose. We got some good stuff. SOOO much food lol. I really want my triscuits lol. But I already brushed my teeth.
OH MY GOSH I KEEP SNEEZING :/

So I'm waiting for nothing...because I saddly am not doing anything right now. Ha..it's friday night but it all feels the same to me..So I'm sitting here with no purpose, and Aaron's watching inception with his fam! So...I'm technically waiting to skype with him I believe. Even though I really honestly do not know what I am doing. I could sleep...but no, I just sit here baha, I really need to go to the gym....I applied to some places online today. ...it was the most boring experience of my life. And I broke all of my nails like a little girl today, baha.

After I got out of the shower I honestly sat there and considered myself with dreads. I really thought about it. Especially because I didn't grab my brush yet..So I could've just started the journey then...but I had nothing else to do, so I brushed it..so I could braid it. And I ended up braiding my hair into 3 really nasty braids. Just for fun. HA, yep.

And this is what I do...in my spare time. On FRIDAY NIGHTS. When I'm alone.....bahahahahahaha

I'm going to get a new hobby REAL quick. I'm gunna pick up the guitar now..I've decided it's time. So my wet hair is making me really cold..and I just can't get over how ridiculous I look. So maybe I' don't have anything else to blog about...except for....today at the store I saw the biggest apple of my life. Snow white would've ate it.

I'm gunna go read now. Donezo.


‎"Is it reckless? Maybe. But what do dreams know of boundaries?"

limelight

So..so far I've got a few..
I'm still trying to ponder.
And now Aaron's singing over skype..and we're having a strange conversation. So I can't really focus on my focuses. Even though he's partially included in them, so I'm not actually distracted. I should be doing something more productive. But there's nothing else I'd really like to do....except sleep. Or read, then sleep. I'm not sure really ha. It's late...

My limelight consists of seven things for now...
scwiptures, momma, aawon, gym, nutrition, working, and an occasional friend see.

That's all.

scavenger...to a new beginning......again

So I need to start looking for a job...better than I am. Cause I haven't done a whole lot. It's slightly still difficult...I should do it tomorrow...But who knows what I'll really do. I also want to go to the gym...So I'm just going to probably end up waiting til monday...sucks. I need to get all my crap organized this weekend anyway. That could be a good thing to do..it could make things less chaotic. Also...my water bottle keeps talking, and I want to kill it.

So how do buses work? Because I apparently might be taking them a lot from now on...super sketch. But I suppose I can just be safe about it. I'm really not sure. Or I need to figure things out with the car so I can start driving. Mahhh...

Where do I even apply for work? Everywhere...but I'm not sure where to go yet without a car. Hmmm... Possibly I'll just drive the car..that I'm not supposed to drive..who knows.

The sun henna on my arm is about off. You can see part of a ray...that's all. I want more. I won't get any though :(

So I need to have more patience...or more ability to be nice, and not freak out, or get annoyed. I'm not exactly sure how to do that. Ha..but I should really try.

I've decided that I'm going to look at life as an experiment..and document everything and take it into a study, so I can just observe it and not get angry, because it will just be different reactions...to different trials. So later I cant just laugh instead.

Hopefully it'll help. It's worth a shot. Even though I haven't done much different.
Maybe this weekend will be when I start changing things. I need to start being how I was again, alone. Ha, not in such a depressing way...But I need to have certain focuses. And stick to those, and only those. Not letting any distractions get to me. I'm going to have a list. Only allowing myself to do things on that list. It will be very restricting. I'll make a menu too. Only can eat certain things. It should be good for me. Huh. Life is going to get good again. Starting now.

Earlier I decided I didn't want people to know that I was home anymore. Wanting them to think that I went back to school in the winter like most folk..So I'm going to try and lay low. I hope that will help too. So I super hope I'm able to get a job on post...that's a way better chance of a different life, and not being around the people that I don't need to be around. I'm almost begging for a new life. In the same place I've always been..what can I say..I ask for too much. Maybe if I help out at it, I can get it..to a point. I really think it'll be better this way. So... those lists will come later.
I must ponder....

That's all for now.

amp...

So I had a pretty crazy ish, not so much day. Things get difficult with my mom sometimes...But I think it's getting better. Or the idea is. Or I am..Or we're just working on it at least. So I feel better I guess. I've decided I like Aawon today. haha, and what I mean by that, only a certain few would understand. Hopefully he gets it too.
I've also realized that I don't really have any hobbies. I need to look into life. Maybe pickup something else. Like soccer...cause apparently Latini's like soccer. Or...idk, Aaron concluded that I like the gym. Which is true. And I suppose that could be a hobby? Going to the gym. Huh. Well...I guess I'll see.
I like how I blog, for myself. Cause no one knows I blog anymore. I feel like I'm talking to myself, and getting I'm getting an answer. But I'm really not. It's just where I let all my words go, and then I don't have to think about them as much. Crazily.
So I'm skyping with Aaron right now. And he's asking me funny questions. He's a pretty sweet dude......MAN. He was making fun of one of my songs that I was listening to. What a rudey....
Well, I'm off to chat and have scripture study, then get some shut eye!

"The whole wide world is mine." -AVA

lifes rough

That's honestly all there is to it. Life's fantastic......Super hard and stressful, I'm quite impressed at the ones that have it harder than I do. They do magical things.
Well, I'm currently looking for a job. But I have no car to be driving...so I'm just sorta waiting...for something. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.
I got an old letter from Chase today, and it was super sad. It really sucked..cause I don't really know how he's feeling right now, or at all really, at least not about his mission. But I can understand the things he says from my own point of view. It's rough...
Also, I'm trying to not be like my mom and stay locked up in my room all day, especially since it's just weird to be where I am...at the moment. Except for the fact that I've moved around and been in different places awkwardly, and had to get used to them, that I can almost always make a weird/awkward situation feel comfortable and normal. It's an odd talent to have. I said I was like a chameleon once. Able to adapt to change. I bet the chameleons hate it...
Thought I'm still sitting up in my room, on the computer. ha..what a great thing to do.. But I was out a lot today I guess. And I've only been here for a little while. Plus I was downstairs earlier watching the bachelor, ha which is super hilarious...I really want to watch pretty little liars, I must soon. Even though I don't like tv...I sometimes do not have anything else to do.
I can't waste my money on a gym membership...so I'm going to start going to the one on post with Keturah. Which is good, except now I can't tan. And tanning honestly makes me so much happier. It's been proven. So I'm just going to be not as happy as I could be, while I'm super pale...but hopefully I'll at least be in shape. Maye I'll get real buff.
I don't know what else to do with my life while I'm here. I seriously just need a job so I can save money. Oh the joys of mentally being a completely different age than I really am.... Life, is rough.

"There is no force on earth more powerful than the will to live."

second try

So I've been super busy in life lately. Right now I'm in washington until april, since I'm off track at school. I haven't emailed chase in super long, so I felt super bad, but I finally emailed him yesterday which was good cause he replied today. And it was pretty long, for him. :)

So I'm staying at Jessicas right now, but I'm getting ready to move out today I think and go stay where my moms staying.

New years was pretty fun. I got to go up to Port Townsend, and to Seattle. Super pretty...both places. So I was really happy. We went to some dance and then watched the fireworks from the space needle. (Kj, Britt, Aaron, Pax, and I) (Aarons sis Molly was there too, and some other kids) It was super sweet, and I wore a dress baha which is very not me, but it was cool lol.

Today Keturah is coming over after pierce. Then we're gunna kick it. Go to the gym. And take my stuff over to dupont and help me move in hopefully. lol I don't think it'll be too difficult. At least I hope not.

Well that's all for now.

 The Gang.....of New Years

 Seattle :)

Port Townsend.